Often I have ideas or lessons I've learned floating around up there, but don't get them out the same way they appear in my head.
For example, last year I was going to be prayed for by Pastor Miles and the Rock staff at a staff meeting. When Pastor Miles asked me to give an update about my health, I stated that this had been the richest past few months because of all the lessons I'd learned and the sweet time of being drawn so close to God during the hardness of learning that I had cancer throughout my body. He asked if I wanted to be prayed for, for healing. I hesitated and said, "I do but..."
I couldn't adequately explain why, while Part of me did want to be cancer-free, I also felt this never before feeling and knowledge of God and his mercies and goodness, even in the midst of the discomfort, surgery, continual findings of cancer and the uncertainty of what could be done for me.
I just couldn't eloquate it.
This morning, while listening to (Pastor) Tommy teach I took mad notes because he was explaining how I was feeling...in a way I couldn't formulate on my own. (Thanks Tommy!)
Among other passages, He spoke out of James 1:2,
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.
He talked about how we are to study God's word so that we are informed by His teaching so we are prepared for the storms. Perhaps these years of cancer are preparing me for something else coming, or perhaps He has been preparing me for this storm of cancer, or maybe both!
But what he said next hit my thought-nail on the head!!
We might hate (it) in the beginning but start to love (it) if it's your true north.
That's what I was trying to communicate last year to Pastor Miles and the staff. I hated, hated, hated receiving that diagnosis last summer. I spent more time then I ever had on my knees and prostrate-making my bedroom rug wet with tears. I begged God to let it not be cancer. We all have those moments, don't we? When we wish sooooo bad God would give us what we want. But it's in those times of surrendering our will over to Him that we find our true strength. It's so not what the world says strength is, but as we can see, that way isn't working too well, is it?
Strength in Surrender.
And so, I began to love where I am. I don't love cancer, but I love where He has brought me while having cancer. Seriously, I couldn't be more blessed. To have the struggles of cancer while still being able to be the mom, wife, friend that I desire to be. My cup overflows.