Monday, October 17, 2016

The Why

It's still several days until we leave for our trip, but we are almost completely packed! Partly because I'm a planner and partly because we are so exciiiiited!
Two years ago, I had just had surgery, removing my ovaries and 2 tumors. After recovery we headed to Hawaii, along wth my brothers and their families, courtesy of my sweet & generous parents.
This year, it's my mom who just had surgery (last month) and again, we are all rendezvousing in Hawaii. I mean, can you think of a better place to rest and rejuvenate together? 
So grateful. So, so grateful.

Thinking about the past 2 years, I am realizing the reason I ask "why" has changed for me. At first it was "Why Lord. Why would you give me 4 children, just to possibly be taken away from them prematurely and leave them motherless" 
"Why do I have to walk through cancer again"
These whys were asked out of a place of desperation and sadness. Totally understandable.
But in the midst of these challenging 2+ years since my metastatic diagnosis I have come to a deeper, more trusting relationship with Jesus. Not that He has anything to prove to me, because even if He did, I'm 100% sure the cross covers that. But because He is omniscient (all knowing, all wise, all seeing) He knew that I'd have these why moments. Because He is omnipotent (having unlimited power, able to do anything) He has given me sweet friendships, conversations, soul-feeding devotions and space & time to process these past 2+ years, in which I'm still ALIVE and for the most part WELL. And because He is omnipresent (everywhere at the same time) I can have full confidence knowing He "will never leave me, nor forsake me", as It says in Deuteronomy 31:6, "but to be strong and courageous". No matter how long this journey may continue.

Truthfully, I've never been through a tougher season, pound for pound, as these past 5 years. Not just my disease and its progression, but also a relocation, new job, new school, new community, new church and then our family members...walking with them through losses and more disease. 
But, in the same breathe, I will tell you that I've never ever learned so much about the unchanging character of God, myself, caught a glimpse of what God has for me and growth in our marriage, all at the same time.
So, having walked this path thus far, my "why" has changed.
Now it is (mostly) like...
"Lord, why are you so good to me."
"Why have you been so merciful?"
These whys are out of a place of eucharisteo. A heart full of gratitude, because I know He will meet me at every corner, twist, turn...wait, not meet me but rather be with me.

And His answer doesn't change...
Because He doesn't change.

He loves me.
And He loves you.

The Lord is my light, and he saves me.
Why should I fear anyone?
The Lord is my place of safety. 
Why should I be afraid.

Here is something I am still sure of.
I will see the Lord's goodness while
I'm still alive.
Wait for the Lord.
Be strong and don't lose hope.
Wait for the Lord.
Psalm 27:1,13-14


  1. You are an inspiration to me with my own battle with breast cancer and the scary fear of leaving my small boys without a mother.

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  3. Praying for you and your entire family to make life long memories and rest as you spend time away together. You are an Amazing Ambassador of our Lord Jesus Christ. You continue praising Jesus and seeing the positive even through the time of pain. I share your blod with my friend who battles cancer. I can pray for her and support her but you cross over into familiar territory and meet her where she is. Thank you and may God continue to Bless you and heal you!


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